Right now I am working several jobs part time. I have a handful of directees I see monthly. I work with my church doing things that I see not getting done. I work for a friend’s church doing odd administrative jobs and some web work. And I work for a real estate investor as a Virtual Assistant. Oh, and I try to blog weekly. Some of these things I get paid to do, some I don’t.
Today I was liberated from one of my tasks that has been most burdensome. It is such a relief. But at the same time, it was one of those things I got paid for. In reality, it’s likely not result in a huge reduction of my paid hours–but my heart is still throwing up stabs of fear into my brain.
I am one of those people who clings to a sense of security. You might have already observed that I’m working four jobs; yes, working four irregular jobs is already a rocky place for those of us craving security. Truth be told, I’m a little disappointed in myself that this is bothering me so much, especially given the amount of relief I am also experiencing.
We humans are messy. We have to deal with our true selves, the beings God created us to be, and our false selves, the beings that are twisted distortions of what God wants us to be. We have to deal with our own aspirations, which can be good, bad or indifferent. Then there are the cultural norms, which could be perceived, real, or also distortions. Maybe it’s a wonder we ever get to experience a single, clear emotion!
I have often seen Christian books with titles like “Freedom From Fear.” I get that. I have no doubt that one thing God desires highly for me is a freedom from fear. But on days like today when both freedom and fear are present, I commit them both to him and ask for help living into the freedom and committing the fear to him and trust his grace to make up the rest.
Father God, thank you for the deliverance from this difficult thing. I give you now the fear that wells up in the vacuum of that work and compensation, trusting you to provide both meaningful work and financial provision for me and my family. I pray this in the name of Christ Jesus, who overcame all evil, fear and death, and the Holy Spirit through whom you pour out your immeasurable grace. Amen.